The Apostle Paul is single-handedly responsible for writing a significant portion of the New Testament. He wrote in the FIRST person, knew his past and present, and could look to his future. Apostle Paul pulled no punches. He assumed no lofty perches based on pretense or piety. His total love fully set upon the face of Jesus Christ.
Obedient and bold. Out-spoken and thought-filled. Entirely focused on what lay ahead. He spoke with conviction and heart, with an honesty and ache that seemed to leap off the pages that his words occupy.
I imagine myself as an on-the-scene reporter interviewing this man of God. I can hear myself asking him:
“So Paul, how do you see yourself in all that has happened to and for you?”
And without missing a beat, I hear his response. I have read it directly from the pages of Scripture:
Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, and I am the worst of them all. 1 Timothy 1:15(NLT).
Can you imagine the confusion this would spark?
“What?!! I can see all the good and intentional work you are doing. It’s a massive list of accomplishments! Yet, you count yourself as least?”
The funny thing (aside from my imaginary interview image) – from the first time I read Paul’s comment in this Scripture, I felt an intimate agreement with his outlook. I recognized the deep extent to which it reflected on me also.
My journey to Jesus travelled along a path that was completely ignorant and self-centred. Even with a few years spent in a rural Protestant church in my pre & early teen years, I had no basis for understanding Jesus in my life (beyond a few of His more memorable Bible stories that stayed stuck in my mind).
When “the church” ultimately injured my parents, I took the anger that overflowed from them. I launched myself on an aggressive voyage, starting as an agnostic and then ramping up to a full-blown atheist outlook: My anger and outrage against anything and anyone identifying as Christian knew no bounds for over two and a half decades.
During this time, I also took the gift of music that He had placed on my life and actively used it in the services of the “other” team. I encouraged people to pursue that which was personally hurtful and self-destructive. This pursuit of my goals ahead of all else actively ruled my life. Everything revolved around what was in it for me. I used others and was never concerned about the fallout of my words or actions.
I fully recognized who I was and what was in control of my life throughout all of this.
I was not some sad, lost lamb story, and this was not a person diminished by drugs, drinking, or perversion. I was an active and focused rebellion against Heaven. And I am not proud to admit that I felt no loss or longing for anything different.
But God…
He saw me.
He considered my path and my intent.
I believe He even listened to my curses at Him and His church. And yet, the Holy Spirit found a foothold in some deep and remote part of my soul. And from that place, He protected me from toppling over the edge of the Grand Canyon of my hubris and ongoing sinful existence. As others around me succumbed to drug overdose, sexually transmitted diseases, mental breakdown, and suicide, I kept stepping past these horrible final destinations. It wasn’t until much later that I could see Jesus present in the midst of my mess, even while I was an unbeliever! In all of this, I later deeply recognized who SAUL was before there was PAUL. And as Christ described the head-long plunge of the PRODIGAL into debased living, He described me! Yet Jesus was there, even with all of my anger and lack of shame. He stood close to me. So close that I know my sin splashed onto Him at multiple points because I had ceased to care.
But He did!
And on that glorious day when I finally had MY ‘Damascus-road’ experience – the full weight of His sacrifice for me, even while I was still a sinner, demolished my darkness. I was fully ‘wrecked’ for my LORD as His glorious light poured into me. The mere thought of His death on the cross so that I could live and come into that glorious light continues to bring me to my “mental and spiritual’ knees every single time today – just like that first marvellous time.
In my testimony, I never (and will never) shy away from the truth of who I was and where I had gotten to before Jesus changed everything in and around me and my life.
I recently read an interesting statement in a commentary on Paul’s thought of being “chief among sinners” that I think is a beautiful summary:
The more we comprehend the weight and extent of our sinfulness, the better we can grasp the magnitude and scope of God’s forgiveness and grace at work in our lives.
I was an unrepentant sinner in true and desperate need of a Savior. And He came! I do not doubt His rescue mission in my life. And as I consider all of it, I know that His forgiveness goes beyond extravagant, and it is supernaturally charged and monumentally delivered in love, understanding and truth.
THANK YOU, My LORD!
