Today’s blog is a personal journal entry about how the Lord spoke to me about a part of my identity that I thought was “just who I am,” yet He is inviting me into a different way. As you read this, I pray that you would allow God to speak to you about your own identity and how He wants to bring truth, healing and new life!
I have fantasized about having more time alone for as long as I can remember. I imagined what it would be like to go on a vacation alone, to be stranded on a remote island alone and in my fantasy, I am thriving. I really enjoy my own presence; I love being in my thoughts, dreaming, writing, planning, journaling, processing, healing, growing, and thinking. I can live inside my head, and I find it very enjoyable. I can transport myself in my mind anywhere and find great satisfaction wherever I go.
Sometimes this fantasy scares me because I know that I do not actually want to be alone in life; I do not want to have a life that does not include people. I genuinely love people and am a people person, but there is a space of hiddenness inside of me that longs to remain hidden. There is nowhere or no one safe in this world to trust with my innermost thoughts and feelings. So this longing to be alone is like a companion that constantly affirms me to stay hidden, withhold and protect my truest feelings and thoughts. It pulls me deep into my inner world, and it proves to me again and again that this is where I must stay; this is where it is safe, and this is where I am most at peace.
The irony of this companion is that I am never physically alone. And when I say never, I literally mean never. I have never really known what it is to be alone. I grew up in a large family with so many people around all the time. I met my husband very young, and we do everything together, and I mean everything; he is my best friend, and we have always done everything together. I have four kids, and my life has been so full of people and life; every minute of the day, I have to get up at 5 am if I want any alone time. It’s the only time I can find to actually be physically alone, and I love it. It’s one of the most special times of my day. I love it so much that sometimes when someone else wakes up, I feel a pang of sadness that my alone time is over.
There is a part of my identity that says things like: I am an internal processor, I don’t need to talk about my feelings. These kinds of identity statements put more bricks into the walls of my heart, keeping all of my truest self protected from being vulnerable and known. So although I am never physically alone, I have created an emotional world of aloneness where the only companions are me, myself and I, and sometimes I will allow Jesus into that space.
This year is about going on a climb. Perhaps it’s the climb of my life, maybe the hardest thing I will ever do. Is this it? Is it a journey of truly being known, a journey into my inner world of feelings, emotions, vulnerability and intimacy where I believe there is something I have never truly ever experienced? I believe there is a gift to behold, a power to tap into, freedom and joy and a depth of true love that maybe I have never known. I cannot truly Love God unless I can truly be known by His love for me. Love cannot be fully expressed in only one way. I cannot truly love you without allowing you to love me back.
Are you willing to lay down every part of “who you are” at the foot of the cross and allow God to bring Lordship, healing and new life as He roots your identity in Him?
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